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Friday, February 15, 2013

My Letter of Apology

Ate ko,
            I LOVE YOU!
I am not Professor X nor Jean Grey who can read the thoughts that your mind processes, not even Jonathan Kellerman who is an expert in the matters of the mind applying all the theories that he has learned and mastered from UCLA – but I can sense (I’m not trying to be a paranormal psychic) that there is something that I have done (which I’m clueless of) that caused you to be sad – no mad, silently but fiercely mad. At this point, I am like Mark Zuckerberg asking you these: “What’s on your mind?” “How’s it going, Anjz?”
I am sorry - very sorry - sorry to the 100th power. Whatever it is that I have done, I ask for your forgiveness and if you would be so kind, at least give me a clue of what is that thing that I have done which caused us this situation. Again, whatever that is I am so sorry.
Miserable, depressed, gloomy – these are the words that would describe the state of my life that I am in today.  I am not used to this. I am not acquainted to this situation. I am not familiar to this set-up. Most especially, I am not comfortable to this condition. Your absence tears my heart apart. Your silence kills me. Your sadness distresses me.
Okay, as I see it and by the looks of it, we will be encountering things like this in the future when we are together (and oh mind you, I don’t plan on giving you up), so for this to be minimized if not avoided I think we need to talk things through. Hmmm…that would be a long one I guess, and there’s a big tendency that emotions will be triggered and will cause an interruption to the desired conversation. So, I suggest we list down things that we like and don’t like; it’s kind of the dos and don’ts to the Anjz and Mark relationship. It’s the only way that I can think of that would aid us in the success of this thing that we have. I want you to be honest in making the list – write the things that you really like and don’t so that at least I have the bird’s eye view on what to do and what not to do. I’ll do the same. Let’s make it a mutual compact.
            One again, I am sorry for whatever shortcomings that I have committed.

P.S. …and I’m in love with you and all those little things. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Lost in the sea of people
I got No one to cling on
Lost in the ocean of emotions
I am not sure of what to feel

A figure came my way
I thought the puzzle would be solved
It turned out another part was opened
In which I see that many pieces are still missing

The figure that I thought would complete it
Was a shadow of the pieces left unconnected
Now my puzzle is bigger
Confusing than I could ever imagine

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Pain Reliever

I stood steadily before the coffin of my best friend. I was wearing a blank face and tears suddenly fell on my face. I was not really crying. I am not sad about the fact that she is already gone, actually I am happy. I am happy because finally my dying friend is finally at rest.  I turned away from the bronze coffin with silver edges. I sat down staring blankly at the floor when a tin foil wrapper of a capsule caught my eyes; I stood up quickly and excitedly picked it. I examined it thoroughly then I realized it’s the same pain reliever my friend used to take whenever her heartburn strikes. I hold it tightly and returned to my seat. I was looking around, keenly observing the people in the funeral parlour, I’m looking for someone actually I just don’t know who that was.  A man standing before the coffin caught my attention. He stands there meticulously observing the body lying on the box of eternal life. He wears a white coat paired with denim jeans, his hair properly done and he stood smartly. He feels the coffin through his hands and he slowly turns away from the coffin. But the direction of his head shows that he is still observing the body. He raised his head, a memory flashes into my mind.
“Just calm down, everything will be alright” I said to my friend as I held her hand tightly while rubbing her on the back to comfort her. “I’ m afraid, what if... “Sssshhhh” I interrupted. The door opened and a man of good posture entered the room. It was the doctor. He wears his long medical gown with the stethoscope around his neck. He was holding a long brown envelope. He gave it to me and commanded me in a gesture to open it.  I took a deep breath at first I was hesitant but when I saw her facial expression permitting me to do so, I opened it with my heads up looking up to the ceiling, no to the heavens. I looked at the files. It says that her heart disease is severe. I confided her. She stood up and ran away. “Thank you doctor, please excuse me” I said. I hurriedly followed her outside.
“If ever my heart aches severely you must only buy a pain reliever from this pharmacy. Let the guy with the clean cut hair serve you. The moments he entertains you, say these words “I need a pain reliever for the heart”. He will give to you what you want even if you will not present the prescription.” She said in a calm voice. She walks slowly as if she was floating. Instead of following her, I headed directly to the pharmacy to buy the pain reliever she asks me to. I said the words she wants me to say. I observed the man detail by detail. He is a man of good posture, he is neat. The uniform fits his complexion. His name tag suggests that he is Mr. Ian Flores. “Is this right?” He asks gently. I was surprised because it was the medicine I intended to buy. “Yes” I said surprisingly. I paid it then I directly went in the car. “Did he entertain you?” she asks with a blank expression. “Yes he’s kind” I said in response as I handed her the pack of medicine. She smiled. It was the same smile I have been witnessing every time she will take that medicine. I just smiled back instead of giving her the usual insult.
We arrived at her pad. She has been living alone for five years. Her parents migrated when her sister grant her parents petition. I put the groceries in the tall silver French door fridge. After doing it, I went to the sala where she was calmly sitting as she examines the medicine I bought her. When she was holding it I feel that she was happy. I can’t figure out why. I just observed her.
“How I wish there is a pain reliever for the heart” she said in a monotonous voice. “Well, you’re holding it” I said confidently. “I mean the one that will really cure the pain” she commented back as she stands on the doorway while holding the medicine near her heart. “Isn’t that effective enough?” I asked. “ Never mind” she said turning away. “Bye, I’ll be here tomorrow at 9 am I have to pick up the files at the office” I said as I head to my car. When I got into my car, I took a deep breath and stared blankly to the stirring wheel. I was confused. I am clueless of what she had said. Actually my confusion started when she asks me to buy the medicine from the pharmacy. With the directions she has given me to the response I got from the pharmacy attendant and to the statement she had said. I turned on the engine and drove at my usual speed.
I arrived at her pad at exactly 9 am. She was still in her bedroom. I went to the kitchen and found no signs of her that she had her breakfast. I opened the fridge and took the cereals, the loaf bread and the box of fresh milk. I prepared everything and I went to her room. “Breakfast’s ready.” I said in an inviting tone.  “Good morning” she replied as she stretched her hands and yawn. She stood up and followed me to the kitchen. We ate. It’s the usual routine we have together.
“About last night” I said starting a conversation. “Why, what about it?” she asks me back as she takes a sip of the milk. “About the pain reliever” “Ah that? Never mind that” she commented as if she doesn’t want to talk about it. I respected it. I looked at my wristwatch; it is 10:30 am. “ I have an appointment by 11 am, I have to go.” I said as I take the last bite of my bread.
The usual routine continued for nine months. “Breakfast’s ready! Come it’s bacon and eggs this time!” I said in my usual inviting tone. There was no response so I got near her, I tickled her but there was no movement. Her skin was cold. My heart pounded. There was no pulse from her, no heartbeat and no single breath. I stayed as calm as I could but my tears keep falling. She’s gone.
                Those are the hurtful memories that flashed when I saw Mr. Ian Flores. He sat down with my friend’s parents. But the mother stood up and walked sarcastically. She walked fast with her eyebrows raised high. “Wait, Im so sorry tita” Mr. Ian Flores uttered as he tries to held her back. “Leave now, we don’t need you here” she said in an angry tone pushing him away.  She walked away from him heading to the CR. Myla, my friend’s beautiful sister offered him a  hand. “Go now... you have no place here anymore. You’re no longer connected to us the moment you broke her heart” she said in a low voice but with obvious anger in it as she looks towards my friend’s coffin. I keenly observed them. He walked away and Myla got near me. She explained to me everything. My friend and Ian is engaged for two years before they migrated to Canada.
                I head to the coffin slowly feeling her and I said “There is no medicine proven b science to cure the pain in our hearts but it’s only us who can cure it. In time everything will heal.”

Thursday, August 12, 2010

We are the World

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Divided by Two

I arrived home last night at 7pm, the rain started to fall, and the wind is calm but breezing cold. The house was peculiarly quiet and the bulb on the garage was not turned on. I walk calmly with my face on the ground and my mind running (i really don't know what I was thinking about, all I know is I am thinking) not minding the rain nor the coldness of the wind. I stopped at the doorway like I always do, taking a deep breath before opening the silver screen kitchen door. I put my pointed black shoe off and put it on the shoe rack. I entered the house, I was expecting a yell coming from my hyperactive cousins 5 and 7 years old, and a Justin Bieber music played loudly from the phone of my music lover cousin. But I was disappointed, I was welcomed by no one but the disturbing silence. Nobody was at home, I hurriedly went to the master's bedroom expecting a folded note, to notify me there whereabouts, but i found none, I got no clue of there whereabouts. I went directly to my room, took off my peach polo and black pants. I put on my favorite apple green shirt with the word "ATHLETICS" on it, I paired it with a blue floral short. I went to the unusually peaceful kitchen and ate my supper. It was pork adobo and rice. 
After eating, I turned on the TV and switch from channel to channel to find a good show to kill the time while waiting for them. I ate a toasted bread while watching "Glee". But I find it boring, so I went to the laundry area and washed my pants which was soaked for three days. While silently doing it, a face suddenly appeared in my mind and that is the face of the person I was trying to forget. I paused for a moment and said to myself "just a little time and I will get over this person". But it sees that I am battling with my self. The other half says let go but the other contradicts it saying hold on let time heal the wounds. I urgently stopped and went back in to the house, turned off all the lights. I went to my room, got my mickey mouse pillow and covered my self with my checkered blanket. I want to empty my mind but the more I try, the more he gets in. I excitedly stood up and quickly turned the TV and watch a film to distract my self. But the cd tape left is about a person begging to be loved, I turned it off and turned the radio on instead. I listened to the music played by the fm tation. I unconsciously fell asleep. In my sleep, I dreamed of him, he is inviting me to go with him. We walked and talked, but I struggled to go afar. He hurriedly followed me and said in a loud voice "Wait, why are you running? Let's give this a try" I paused and refused. He held my hand tight that I could not escape, until I woke up, it was my favorite cousin squeezing me.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Moving On

I am in the process of moving on. Technically I am single but my stupid heart already belongs to someone I can't even call mine. I know that I don't have the right to complain about the pain that my heart feels now. He does not belong to me. He doesn't even know it.

The first time I saw this person my heart beats faster. It's as if the time had stopped but my heart beats even faster. I never saw anyone but him. He overshadowed the things and the persons around me. I see nobody but him. Whoah! What a feeling! This is a familiar one. This is  what I felt the first time I fell in love. But this is even greater ( and the worst). I hoped and wished that one day he can notice me the way I wanna be noticed.
I always do some crazy stuff just fro me to be noticed.  I shout loudly, I keep quiet disturbingly and sometimes just ask favors from him. Even if I knew that it's a one in a million chance (if there is) that he will notice me the way I wanted to be. At first I took it as an inspiration. I can do things extraordinarily and sometimes I can be the best that I can be. Every time he watches me (or am i just assuming that he is?) I see to it that I am at my best, I am perfect! I see to it that my polo is properly buttoned and pressed, my hair perfectly done, my face exquisitely presentable and my self astonishingly framed. I see to it that he sees the best in me, and the best in everything I do.

Later, I realized that I might be obsessed with him already. I am so engrossed with he thought of doing things to impress him. I'm not even sure anymore if I am striving because I wanted to or because I just need to do it for him. The sad part is he is committed to someone. Someone owns him and I can see it that they're happy . I was torn apart. It's as if a knife was plunged into my chest and reached my heart. It's like my chest was ripped into shreds and m heart pounded in a mortar and pestle. It is so broken, torn into several tiny useless pieces. Right now I can say I am in the gloomiest part of my life. And the problem is I've got no one to blame but me. No one but my stupid heart! No one but my foolish feelings! It could have been better if I was committed with someone and that person has cheated on me, at least i have someone to slap and someone to quarrel with. But this, this is very absurd. I got hurt by myself! I am a hopeless case, why do I go on? Why do I always fall for the wrong person?

As I have said I am in the process of moving on. In the process of healing the wounds my stupid feelings had caused me. But how can I do that if I always see him and I'm in contact with him (contact's not the right term though). Nonetheless I will try. how I wish mending a broken heart is just like  gluing a broken figurine and after that it's whole again, just like the figurine before it was broken. But my heart is shattered and torn apart! I guess in time this will heal, maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow but some other time. I'm sure this will heal, as they say it takes time to heal. If ever that time comes that the shattered pieces of my heart will soon be one, one fact remains I have loved and got hurt by my self!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Kabagang

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