Moving On

I am in the process of moving on. Technically I am single but my stupid heart already belongs to someone I can't even call mine. I know that I don't have the right to complain about the pain that my heart feels now. He does not belong to me. He doesn't even know it.

The first time I saw this person my heart beats faster. It's as if the time had stopped but my heart beats even faster. I never saw anyone but him. He overshadowed the things and the persons around me. I see nobody but him. Whoah! What a feeling! This is a familiar one. This is  what I felt the first time I fell in love. But this is even greater ( and the worst). I hoped and wished that one day he can notice me the way I wanna be noticed.

I always do some crazy stuff just fro me to be noticed.  I shout loudly, I keep quiet disturbingly and sometimes just ask favors from him. Even if I knew that it's a one in a million chance (if there is) that he will notice me the way I wanted to be. At first I took it as an inspiration. I can do things extraordinarily and sometimes I can be the best that I can be. Every time he watches me (or am i just assuming that he is?) I see to it that I am at my best, I am perfect! I see to it that my polo is properly buttoned and pressed, my hair perfectly done, my face exquisitely presentable and my self astonishingly framed. I see to it that he sees the best in me, and the best in everything I do.

Later, I realized that I might be obsessed with him already. I am so engrossed with he thought of doing things to impress him. I'm not even sure anymore if I am striving because I wanted to or because I just need to do it for him. The sad part is he is committed to someone. Someone owns him and I can see it that they're happy . I was torn apart. It's as if a knife was plunged into my chest and reached my heart. It's like my chest was ripped into shreds and m heart pounded in a mortar and pestle. It is so broken, torn into several tiny useless pieces. Right now I can say I am in the gloomiest part of my life. And the problem is I've got no one to blame but me. No one but my stupid heart! No one but my foolish feelings! It could have been better if I was committed with someone and that person has cheated on me, at least i have someone to slap and someone to quarrel with. But this, this is very absurd. I got hurt by myself! I am a hopeless case, why do I go on? Why do I always fall for the wrong person?

As I have said I am in the process of moving on. In the process of healing the wounds my stupid feelings had caused me. But how can I do that if I always see him and I'm in contact with him (contact's not the right term though). Nonetheless I will try. how I wish mending a broken heart is just like  gluing a broken figurine and after that it's whole again, just like the figurine before it was broken. But my heart is shattered and torn apart! I guess in time this will heal, maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow but some other time. I'm sure this will heal, as they say it takes time to heal. If ever that time comes that the shattered pieces of my heart will soon be one, one fact remains I have loved and got hurt by my self!